This is my love

I want to love him, learn him, grow with him. Be young with him and have fun with him. With him I do all the things I dreamed of doing with my friends let alone a man. He is a friend and someone I can trust and talk to and do all the fun and childish things I’m not supposed to do at my age but have never done in my past. I want to tell him I love him and count the ways on each strand of hair that grows from my head...fingers and toes and every other object suitable for tallying that is near-by. I want to be able to express my love in dramatic words with passion and unspeakable passion without words. This is my love. It's terrifying, I know. But it is strong. It is true. It is real.

For a Taste of Normalcy

At the risk of an exhurbant phone bill, I am sending text messages from the ship and internationally just to feel like I have a semblance of connection with people. You see, this is the stuff I missed as a teen and just from having a land relationship in general. The texting until one of you falls asleep or texting all day until you see each other or the joy of spending a night together because it's not something you normally do. 
I spend money on Internet cards and inernational phone plans and cellular at sea text for this. I hold onto the dream of cooking my own meals and one day owning a dog for this. For a taste of normalcy. 

I am accepting...

Ok...i am being present in my current situation. I am accepting the fact that I can't get out of this contract and made a verbal agreement to myself and the boss that I would do my next contract. It seems my attempts to stay below the radar this contract have fail and I am being punished like a child and a criminal for a minor offense. I can be thankful that in the confusion and massive upheaval of my family like that I have seemingly nice people who I have just met and a lover and friend who is making things work. I am so glad that I got to see him yesterday. Even if it was only for 30 minutes. Being in his arms made the madness stop for a while but alas I am stuck here for 2 more months and this first week hasn't even finished yet. So, I will drown myself in my language and spiritual studies and learning my hair. I will focus on regaining the peace and strength I have so long been cultivating. I won't allow someone else's horrible view on life destroy my quest for love and peace. I will discover through my practices what the next step is even if it isn't conventional because my soul years to do what it was created to do and not to conform. I wanna be free to express myself through song, dance and just life.

"What is your perception of love?"

My friend Joy posted on her facebook status a very important question. “What is your perception of love?” My response came flowing from me like words from a pen to the paper and this is what I said “being able to be urself around that special someone and being open to the flow of love coming out of your heart into theirs and vice versa. not wanting to hurt that person or bog them down w/ ur problems. just enjoyin a good time like 2 kids in a sand box. best friends who love each other but don't smother...bliss and the meaning of life...♥” Just wanted to share!

Serenity

Here I am. Back to reality and having to face the things that I haven't wanted to face since the day after Christmas. Life is different now. And, although I know nothing is promised to remain the same, I can't help but fear the unknown. Not just the unknown, but the fact that i can't manipulate the things in life that I want to. Like...finally find a job I am happy with that will give me the desired amount of money to do what I want to do with life. To be able to establish a relationship with a foundation and keep all my friends and fam with me where ever I go..you knw? those things that are quite impossible to have all at once...sigh...or maybe wanting family life to go back the way it wuz b4...i dnt knw...i had successfully staved off this "talk" with myself and it seems I may have to have a simultaneous or shortly there after "talk" with an external somebody...sigh...

The English Countryside

So, here I am sittiing in the living room. Don't have a bit of jet lag and that is wonderful. I have been here for three days already and I fear they are going by too fast. I wanna stay here forever. Shopping at the local grocery stores is awesome because they have natural fruits and veg and organic stuff is sold in the local market instead of having to make a separate trip to a specialty store. There r sheep in the back yard that just roam around eating all the grass they want and cows that just foam around as well. I could get used to the country. The only thing about up here is that it is freezing in May. lol Well, at least to me it is. To the locals a zip up hoodie is fine. lol Listened to some local bands in a festival on bank holiday monday...what ever that is. All it really means now i think is that everything closes on mondays. clothing stores and the like close at like 6 on a weekday and on bank holiday the big store Tescos closed at 4. Crazy small town, but it's kinda cool.

Haven't done much partying outisde of sitting in the grass and listening to some metal and ska bands with a strongbow in my hand. Birthday party Friday. Going to go see Iron Man 2 tomorrow and thursday on our way to Liverpool. Next week Scotland! Anyways, I should probably head up to bed soon because he has gone to bed early. <3

Love and Life and Career

“It’s supposed to be easy. On some level, it’s supposed to be easy.” I am watchin’ a tv series called How I Met Your Mother and that is a quote from the main character. It is supposed to be easy. Relationships aren’t supposed to be so hard and they aren’t supposed to fill your eyes with tears because you haven’t seen your loved one in months or because you may never see him again.
I wanna go on a first date and have a first kiss that is innocent. I wanna grow and learn with him and I wanna feel protected and loved every day. I wanna be able to talk to him and see him when I want to and I want to be able to live each moment day to day and not worry about what’s gonna happen at the end of this contract or what’s gonna happen if he gets a new job or I get a different job...
In one week I will be with him and the closer it gets to our vaca together the sadder I get...i wanna be able to be someone’s girlfriend for real. To be able to use the title and not feel weird about it...I wanna be able to say he’s my boyfriend and not feel weird about it...
But this is the life I chose as a performer and musician...our lives and craft are based off of love and emotions and the most basic human emotion of all is something that is ever elusive...and if I had to chose one thing that I regret about my life...that would be it...

Cabo and thoughts on traveling

Ok, so here I am lying in the bed in my cabin. Tia is upstairs eating lunch and doing the touristy thing and I am very grateful for that. You see, I fell asleep on the couch last night because I wasn’t tired and was so bored yet, tia was under the covers by midnight. I couldn’t find anyone else and was bored out of my mind so I watch some Weeds and of course did my bored thing...ordered room service...there wasn’t anything else I could do that was quiet...now, i am tired because i feel asleep on the couch...
Anyways, I am writing to say that I want to be a better blogger, but it’s hard when I wonder if there is even anyone out there reading these words that I type. I guess I could at least journal this journey...
Today, we were in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico in Baja California. It was my first time off in this port since last crew tender is at 1 pm and we usually aren’t allowed off the ship until around 10 30. Today, open tender was at like 9 45 but of course they don’t make the announcement in crew areas.
I went outside and met Tia and Nicole and had planned on getting something to eat and then walking around but they kind of convinced me to go on the glass bottom boat ride for about 45 min. I did it and while it was nice to see natural rock formations and sea lions (lobos de marinos) in the natural habitat and out boat driver was a sweet heart, I did want to at least walk around by myself and just enjoy the fresh air and sun.
In a couple of weeks, I will be in England and the sun won’t be as strong. I’m praying there will be sun and that it won’t be so cold. Lol My ancestors are from Africa and cold and raining it is not there. Lol But, I am looking forward oh so much to seeing him again. Next, cruise I will soak up the sun and the pacific and atlantic oceans since my next contract is in Alaska and then home where the beach isn’t as close as here.
Once last cruise, eh? It’s so awesome seeing new places and meeting new people, but I have decided that I would like to get the full experience of some places by staying there for a week. I’ve written down a list of places to see and visit and it will continue to grow. I’ve written it down and put it out there in the Universe. It will happen eventually. But, at the same time, it does make me sad to meet such awesome people and then never have to see them again and then to loose connections with old friends because you are always away...ah, it’s a catch-22 you see? Staying still is stagnation and bored at the very least, but traveling alone can get lonely at times...

Beautiful Mess

Depending on how your taking these words, they’ paraphrasing this relationship we are staging”
“Beautiful Mess” Jason Mraz

I am confused. I need some clarification. It seems that I have gotten myself into a “Beautiful Mess” here. Things can only go so long before they need to be discussed. I am a woman of communication, but I am afraid to bring up the topic again. Can I get in trouble on a technicality? Does reality have a strong influence and therefore, override an otherwise fault? I have no idea what is going on. If it feels like something, if you feel like you are in a grey area, can asking for clarification mess up a good thing? Should one not ask and then suffer the consequences if something is done that is found offensive? O I don’t know. I was ok for months and now it seems that right before my picturesque vacation that the wheels of my mind have been awakened and my heart needs some sort of security. How does one bring a question up when it may not be relevant much longer? What happened to just waiting and see? “O what a beautiful mess this is. It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes.” Is it implied? Was I wrong? Will it even matter?

Ah Ship drama...

I have to keep reminding myself that some people are still very immature despite their age. I already knew this about this person because from the moment she came on board she was one big drama after another. She insisted on inserting herself in this drama and then proceeded to tell almost everyone he sob story, people she had just met. She is one of those people who like to be in pain and drama but then want to feel validated in it so tries to get other people to agree with them.
I’m old enough now to deal with ship drama properly. I am leaving in 5 weeks. I have my friends who I can trust and who run from mass drama and my cousin is coming on Friday. Besides, I have all these other things I am working on to better myself so that I can exit myself from this environment. As soon as I see Rio, of course. One more year of saving and seeing the world. O and trying to avoid drama and dramatic people at all cost.
It’s so hard because I expect everyone to be my age and I expect everyone to be mature and at least a little more confident than they all are. But then I remind myself, “I am on ship.” People are here because they are running away from something or trying to find something. At first, I was running to and from, but now I am taking this experience for what it is and seeing the world and meeting a handful of awesome, mature people along the way. 5 more weeks and I will be in England for vaca!
That is something to be grateful for. My ever growing maturity and resistance to bull shit. Sometimes, you do some shit that isn’t necessarily a secret just because you don’t wanna hide yourself and don’t care what they think. But then, you have to remember that most people are immature and dramatic gossipers no matter how old they are...and probably until the day they die.
I am grateful I am past that and focusing on my circle of influence.

Time for a change

So, the past few weeks I have been thinking about how I am in need of a change. A change of atmosphere a change of people and a change of a job. From reading all of Tricia's and Jason's blogs I get the feeling that I want to partake in a job that allows me to be me and one in which I don't have to take bull shit from "elders" one in which I can say what I feel and not be insulted by someone who probably doens't think for themselves and just blindly follows the "wisdom" of men in suits with the "correct" facts and figures. Last night, when I was called "ignorant" I was so angry I wanted to toss something overboard. I wanted to over turn the bolted down table and smack some sense into someone. How dare you insult my intelligence when it is in fact my very own intelligence. It is not something someone else has told me to believe but something that I have seen work without unnecessary consequences and redundant actions by already physically and mentally tired workers. I need a space where I am allowed to harness my creativity and where team work is in fact just that. I need a job where intelligent conversation is had and where I don't have to listen to one more person wine about said crush or how their ex ruined their life. I know some of these people are legitimately young in age and the others just in mind, but there is so much more to life. I quite literally get bored mid conversation most of the time these days because I've been in this surrounding for three years now. The faces change but the situations stay the same. It's the same watered down over privileged semi-racist self hatred script. I know I have signed up for one more year and I vow right now to make the most active decisions to find a space where I can as Tricia says "get paid to be me".

Code Red

So, one of the worst things about being on a ship is when a few other people get the stomach virus and i have to suffer...me and all the other healthy people. By suffer I mean we have to sanitize every other day and are treated like children. Can't serve ourselves our own food and have people throwing Purell at you even when you have just finished washing your hands. Last Friday, we had to scrub down the walls and all the banister (made of wood) and tarnished brass ( tarnished because the virox fucked it up). They keep telling me it's just hydrogen peroxide that we are cleanin' with, but it smells way worse than that and the smell has made some people sick. When I ask how the virus can be transmitted through touching a hand rail and liken it to how you catch the HIV virus, I am told you can catch HIV by touching a hand rail as well.........

They close our crew bar early because they make the bartender pick up plates in the Lido at the ass crack of dawn. They stop all room service for crew and messed w/ my home port time cuz I had to double as a maid. They were making us get up early to help serve food. But most of all, they cancel all crew parties just because 6 out of like 1000 people are sick. When I suggest giving people vitamin c instead of purell someone tells me vitamin c doesn't work....really? is that why you were sick and i've been through 5 code reds and never been sick?? What books do these people read???????!!!!! Not to mention the fact that over exposing the virus to cleaner just makes it more adapt to the anti viral cleaner and therefore it is bound to mutate...

I am writing this so early in the morning because I had to get up at 7 40 am in order to get some eggs without having to be "passenger friendly" because my room service order was denied. I told them I ordered room service 2 days ago, but they tell me that is not possible because it is against the rules...so, now, you call me a liar??? The salmon just appeared in my room???

Screw you Virox and Code Red!! All sick people shud b turned away at the ganway...then crew won't get sick...o and if u actually feed the crew some healthy food they won't succumb to any kind of immune deficiency... o that and let them work less than 14 hrs a day...smh...

Words

Well, today has been a pretty lazy day. I did a lot of work yesterday sanitizing the ship with the rest of the entertainment team and then some personal stuff then work. I was up for about 18 hrs straight. Anyways, I decided to write because today I had an epiphany. One about the importance of words and the visual and message they can convey. I read some short stories today and of course my daily “Grandma Tell Me Your Story” entry. As I read these things, the emotion and presence of the characters and the remembrance of my grandmother’s spirit seemed to fill the room. It filled my mind with such imagery...I was talking to a fellow band member about the poeticism of Portuguese and Spanish lyrics. It dawned on me how only a few words are allowed to express even the tiniest human emotion. Description and choosing your words wisely...getting your point across with the least of amount of wasted energy...being open to the universe and the connectedness of all souls and beings...the recycled “borrow energy” we all experience...amazing...i want to research this more...pay more attention to the human soul and how the psyche and the mind always interfere with what we as children already knew. The freedom and awesomeness of our individuality and the expression of that individuality...the joy of always being the apprentice and in a constant open state to learning new things about everything and using that to express to the world your love and vision in your own way....as Jason Mraz says...”la la la la la la la life is wonderful....life comes full circle.”

If You Can’t Stand the Heat...

OMG...gosh I am so not cut out for food service. I’ve just come from serving food to the officers and petty officers in the P.O Mess. If I thought serving to guest was difficult try serving to people of different cultures who don’t speak good English. Add to that that it is hot as fuck standing next to those hot as “hot plates” and having to go to the bathroom the entire time.
So, here we are in code red which is basically an “outbreak” of gastro-intestinal “disease”. I use the quotes to emphasize how I think that it is bull shit. I mean, what 15-20 people out of 1,000 show symptoms of any combination of throwing up and/or diarrhea. And because guest who actually have it don’t stay in there room some people get it while guest who don’t have it but are freaked out because they think they have it (cause they haven’t shat in like a week) up our percentage and make things worse.
Then, we have to clean up ie sanitize every thing because they are nasty and unhealthy.
Really, all it is is an immune system that doesn’t function properly. Some crew get it too, but if you saw what they ate then you would understand why their immune system is fucked...I mean, if everyone just ate healthily and took supplements(quality supplements on a regular basis) then we would all be healthy and my ass wouldn’t have to slave in the hot ass mess or sanitize your mess. On top of the fact that the crew bars are closed until further notice ie the next week or so and I am bored out of my mind since I only work like 2 hrs anyways. I work,study, work out, practice, do my hair and gee there is still like 5 hrs left in the day. I feel like I am getting cabin fever.
Besides the fact that super san is bull shit cause if they really wanna keep peps from getting sick they should shampoo those dirty as carpets or wipe the chairs down as well as the tables and give people complimentary vitamin c. I mean, come on. These peps are pretty old and take all kinds of meds...ok, enuff of my ranting...

Hair Woes...

So, today i got really agitated...and i wonder why i felt that way and then i remembered i was having an internal fight with my hair. Now don't get me wrong. I love my hair and I'm lovin' it's curl pattern. But what I don't love is the immense amount of time it takes to ensure it is well moisturized and how I need a trim but am scared to have one of these folks on board do it and how I have yet to discover a routine that is simple yet moisturizing. O and did I mention that I am mad at said hair for not being all down my back yet? lol Now, I know I went through the try the texturizer phase and the permanent color phase and that subsequently cut off about 3 yrs of my hair growth cause I was cutting the color out every time i went home, but I have decided to figure out a regime and keep it moisturized. I've even found a satin pillow case. Got a blow dry w/ a diffuser for those cold days and have finally perused the net for hair blogs...yeah...me and my hair are getting re-acquainted and soon it will be amel's length...well in like 5 yrs, but i'm workin' on it. lol

A Revelation on rough seas...

So, while I was layin’ in bed cursing the sea for all of it’s tumultuous motion and wishin’ I could in a horizontal or fetal position forever, I had a revelation or I guess it could be call delirium of sea sickness but we’ll go with revelation. Lol So, I got the Oprah thought for the day email and last week the thought for the day was more of a monthly challenge. It asked for the reader to write down in their journal everyday morning, noon, and nite what love means to them. What their love would feel like, taste like, smell like and just in general be in a 3-D kind of sense. So, I have been writing in my journal albeit not as often a prescribed. Whilst I was struggling to get my necklace undone as I lay in bed I realized that this would be a part of my love too. Helping my lover when he is sick. Taking care of him. And yes, this subsequently does include when he is pissed out of his mind( lol yeah a lil British slang for u.). I don’t know. I just have this nurturing nature. Lol Onimonopia Anyways, I figure a puppy is a precursor to a man and a man a baby. Eh? Lol So, all that to say that true love will actually honor one in sickness and in health and no we need not take a haphazard vow in front of lost of people in order for this idea to hold true.

Love

So, last nite I was supposed to meet a few friends on the deck for a late not stroll around the deck (which is something I normally grow tired of by like lap 3, but I decided it may be fun in a group) and I got all the way to deck 12 by the stairs before I realized that they would probably be on deck 6. I like deck 12 better because you can see the sky and I just love staring at the nite sky. Well, anyways, I got to like lap 3 and decided I was tired of walking in a circle. lol So, I laid down on one of the lawn chairs and just stared up at the sky. It was so beautiful. There was a half moon and clouds on part of the sky and visible starts. You could see the clouds in the light of the the moon as they moved across the sky. I can always tell where Orion's belt is and since a very special person showed me where the rest of him is I get excited when he comes out at night. I know the stars we are looking at have burned out millions of years ago, but they are still pretty.

Anyways, i got to thinkin' about the vastness of the Universe, pretty heavy stuff, eh? I got to thinking about love and spirits and such and how life is every changing in universal pattern like the clouds moving across the sky. Then, I started thinking about how everyone comes into your life for a time. No one is ever really in your life for a life time. I mean, your parents are likely to go before you do and your grandparent too...you are likely to go before your children and every soul mate you meet is always in adult hood so the first 18 years of your life was lived with out them. I started to miss my grandma and wished I could tell her I learned how to appreciate life and how to love despite the time two people may be together and that I've learned acceptance and how to deal with attachment...

Then, I started thinking about borrowed loved because lovers are only ever on loan to their respective lovers. I started thinking about how to deal with saying goodbye...and then I thought...could this be love in it's post millennium traveling age? is this what it feels like and how easy it is to open your arms to it when you just let go...as it says in the kay jeweler commercial..."always keep your heart open and love will always find a way in..."

Professionalism..NOT

So, I know I said this blog was gonna be about my travels and probably would have been awesome if i started this when i was in Europe, but right now I am in Mexico right now, Puerto Vallarta to be exact and as I have been here before and done the traditional Mexican breakfast which consisted of eggs, beans, and hot sauce(i wonder how they don't have immense bowl problems. lol) and walked around I am now sitting in the mall, yes mall, using free wi-fi. Talk about a Mexican experience. Right off the pier is a Wal-mart and a mall. lol hilarious...

Anyways, that long run on sentence was to say that I was practicing the "new" songs i need to learn and I wonder how it is that people can call themselves professional when they don't proof read their sheet music for types or something as small as o I don't know, 10-15 bars missing in the middle of the arrangement...good thing I'm nice like that and can figure it out...

Anyways, I'll holla with some more news lata! ♥

Engineers are cool!

so, now that i have an audience, i will be writing more. lol so, here i am and i had a lovely talk with a scottish engineer and during our talk i realized how much i think engineers are cool people. lol and not just because i am dating an engineer but because they seem to be so much cool than deck officers and laid back. lol i'm still mad about the master chef thing, but maybe things won't be so bad with so many people leaving. such is ship life, eh? people comin' and going just when you've gotten attached to them. i'm goin' back to my sarah jessica parker moment and The Family Stone! ♥